Adventures With Pon Farr
by JazzyAli
Summary: During the second month of the five-year mission, Spock has a run-in with pon farr. Being the caring friends that they are, the crew figures they'd better "offer themselves" to Spock. Everyone tries to help him through it, and hilarity ensues. This is kind of just crack. Ending K/S.


**A/N: Hey guys! I posted my first story about a week ago and everyone was so amazing, it inspired me to write another one. Just a warning, this is kinda… crazy. Enjoy!**

Disclaimer: Let me check… Nope, still don't own Star Trek.

* * *

"Bones," Jim said solemnly. "You have to do this."

"No! Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor – not a Vulcan sex toy!" Bones blinked for a second as they both thought about how weird that had come out. Then Jim resumed his badgering.

"Everyone else is doing it, Bones!" Jim? Whining? …Okay, maybe a little. But it was true! As weird as the situation was for the crew of the Enterprise, they just wanted their first officer to be okay.

Bones fixed Jim with his most sarcastic glare. "So if everyone else is jumping off a bridge, that means I should do it, too?"

"Well, technically-" Jim began, eyes sparkling with sudden amusement. Bones cut him off, probably just assuming whatever brilliant comeback was about to come out of his friends' mouth wasn't worth his time. Rude.

"Dammit, Jim – _no!_ I'm not doing it!"

"Bones," Jim said, unusually quiet. "Spock could die."

That shut Bones up. As much as the doctor liked to make fun of his first officer, Jim knew he didn't really hate him. Bones opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, looking a little like a fish out of water. Finally, he clenched his fists together and sighed. "…fine. I'll go and _offer, _but that's all. But isn't someone else doing it right now?" Bones sounded supremely awkward. It almost made Jim grin, but the situation was a little too serious for that.

"Chekov," he said, not even bating an eyelash.

"_WHAT?!_ You let the _minor _– …isn't that pedophilia?! Jim, that's so messed up!"

"Hey, Chekov can handle himself. And he _volunteered, _Bones."

Bones just kept on glaring at the world. Particularly Jim. Jim was one of his very favorite things to glare at. At that very moment, everyone's favorite Russian came running into sick bay, wide-eyed and distraught.

"Keptin! Meester Spock said eet 'was not necessary'. Will he be okay?" Bones just shook his head muttering to himself, probably in numb shock. But even Bones would have to admit it was impressive how Chekov seemed to be concerned by nothing except the well-being of the Vulcan. Time and time again, Chekov had been surprising the crew of the Enterprise by how mature and selfless he could be.

"Of course he'll be okay, Chekov," Jim said, reassuring words that he knew Chekov needed to hear even if he had no idea how to make them happen. All he knew is that they _would _happen. Even though he'd only been on the five-year mission for a few months, his first officer already meant the world to him. "How is Mr. Spock doing?"

"His Wulcan instincts are making him act a little different, keptin. I saw him zrow a bowl of soup at Nurse Chapel while I was leawing!" Jim blinked in surprise. Throwing soup? He only knew as much about the situation as Spock had told him when it first started, which meant not much.

There was a Vulcan thing called pon farr that basically just meant Vulcans really needed some good sexy time, or they die. Of course Spock hadn't said it in those exact words, but that seemed to be the gist of it. It seemed a bit extreme to Jim, but fittingly Vulcan.

But because Vulcan had so recently been destroyed, something that still made Jim furious to think about, Spock's pre-assigned partner had died. It was just one more thing to remind Jim of how much he hated Nero. One more consequence of his inability to just be a _little faster, _a little smarter, somehow save Vulcan… He pushed the survivor's guilt aside with determination. It wouldn't help him now. There may be nothing he could do now for Vulcan, but Spock was their _family _now. And they were going to do whatever it took to help _him_. That much, Jim would make sure happened. Nothing was going to happen to Spock while he had any say in it.

Bones' still-awkward voice snapped Jim out of his thoughts. "Now I guess I have to go…offer myself to the hobgoblin. God."

"Good luck, doctor," Chekov said, so solemn that Jim almost cracked a smile. "I am zinking you are more likely of a candidate zan me, because you hawe a Souzern charm zat he would probably like to take adwantage of in ze bed-" A horrified Bones cut Chekov off there.

"Good God, kid, I'm not that kind of doctor!" Chekov merely shrugged respectfully, indicating that he clearly thought otherwise. That finally _did _make Jim laugh. Bones grumbled something about only doing this because Spock's health was on the line and stalked out of sick bay.

* * *

Leonard McCoy stomped his way to the hobgoblin's quarters, muttering to himself the entire time. _Yes, _he was aware that talking to himself was a bad habit. _No, _he didn't plan on fixing it any time soon.

When he reached Spock's door, all he could do was stand there for the longest time. At one point, Sulu walked by. He didn't even say anything, just gave Leonard this understanding _look _as if he'd done the very same thing earlier that day. Probably had. _Dammit. _This was so messed up.

Just as he was about to finally work up the courage to knock on the hobgoblin's door, it opened of its own accord to reveal a very flustered looking chief engineer of the Enterprise. His face was almost as red as his shirt, and yet he kept up quite the hero's effort.

"We're all worried about ya, Spock-"

"I repeat, Mr. Scott, your 'offer' is not necessary. Nor will it become so." The Vulcan in question was looking even more pissy than usual – which was quite an accomplishment, in Leonard's not-so humble opinion.

"Alright, but if there's anythin' any of us can do ta help-" The door slammed in his face. Spock had literally _slammed the door _in Scotty's face. Well, this was certainly getting interesting.

Scotty looked over at Leonard, seeing him for the first time. "…We're not goin' ta talk about that. Ever." Leonard just nodded his silent acquiescence. After all, the agreement would presumably go both ways. Scotty coughed awkwardly. "If you'll excuse me, I've got to go tell Keenser tha' it's no' worth it. Wouldn't wan' him embarrassing himself." And with that, the engineer fled the scene faster than Leonard could descend on a patient who needed a hypo.

…and now it was his turn. _Dammit. _Well, if Scotty (as well as an apparently growing list of others?!) had done it, then he could, too. Embarrassment be damned, he was a doctor – and doctors helped people. (Yes. Even if that meant he had to be a Vulcan sex toy.) God, what was his life coming to?

The look on Spock's face when he opened the door was almost worth the ridiculous embarrassment of the entire situation. He certainly looked less than pleased with the sudden influx of suitors calling on his quarters. It was weird seeing the hobgoblin's face so openly angry; he usually at least tried to control his annoyance when the good doctor was around. As if reading his thoughts (he probably was – stupid Vulcan mind voodoo), the hobgoblin pulled his face into a thin mask of control.

He nodded once in a very stiff greeting. "Doctor McCoy."

"Hey, hobgoblin." _God_. This was so awkward. "So, uh, I know you're goin' through some tough times right now… And I just wanted to let you know…" Just spit it out, Leonard. He was pretty sure proposing to his ex-wife had been easier than this. "…I'm here for you if you need anything. That's all."

The Vulcan in front of him stiffened even more, something that Leonard hadn't thought possible. "That will not be necessary, doctor," he spit out. Then he slammed the door once again right in Leonard's face.

_Well then. Right back at you, hobgoblin._

Although Leonard wasn't usually the type to talk about rainbows and unicorns and _feelings,_ he couldn't deny to himself that he wanted Spock to be okay. Even so, he was immensely glad he didn't have to be the one to do anything. 'Cause "awkward" wouldn't even begin to describe that. He took a deep breath, feeling himself start to relax.

Leonard turned away from the hobgoblin's door to run smack into Nyota. And immediately felt like the biggest idiot in the world. _Why hadn't they just gotten her – seeing as she was the one _dating _the hobgoblin?! _He wanted to smack himself.

"Thank God," he heard himself saying to her. Without even seeing himself, he knew he was redder than a tomato. He felt like a little kid who had just been caught doing something naughty. "I wish you'd come along earlier. Would've saved me, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov a bit of embarrassment." …was the list really that long? It was probably longer, actually. This was ridiculous.

Nyota looked down and shook her head. "Spock and I broke up a few days ago. I hadn't really gotten around to telling anyone about it yet."

Beyond the faint surprise that registered at her words, Leonard felt a bubble of hysterical laughter rise up from inside of him. Evidently, he was going crazy. "You two couldn't have waited a week? Talk about bad timing." Nyota didn't say anything. He didn't blame her. "Couldn't you, y'know, go at it again for old times' sake?" Now he sounded like Jim. Nyota merely shook her head.

"I already offered. Vulcans… don't really work like that."

Evidently so. Dammit.

* * *

Jim and Chekov had stayed right where Bones had left them. Jim had figured Bones would come right back to sick bay, and wanted to be there when he did. Chekov, the concerned ensign he was, expressed his desire to stay until they were updated on "ze doctor's success". To pass the time, they had started up a discussion about alcohol that had somehow morphed into talking about transwarp mechanics.

That was when Bones came shuffling back into sick bay. _Ah yes, _Jim thought to himself, _the bitter sting of rejection. _Bones' look of extreme discomfort told Jim all he needed to know. Chekov was just giving Bones this understanding _look. _Although Jim had no way of knowing, it was the exact same look Sulu had given Bones earlier.

Apparently, getting rejected by Spock now had its own pity look. Maybe all the crew members who had been rejected by Spock should start a club.

"You tried, Bones-" Jim started, intending to give a kind speech. Evidently Bones was not in the mood for that.

"Don't you 'you tried, Bones' me, kid! This is ridiculous. I feel like a Vulcan slut! A _rejected _Vulcan slut! That was the second worst thing I've ever had to do in my entire life."

Jim had to ask. How could he not? "What was the first?"

Bones merely shook his head, and continued as if he hadn't heard him. "We've got to get the hobgoblin to Vulcan or something. Or at least bring him to sick bay so that I can monitor him."

Jim nodded at that. "We're currently heading for New Vulcan, but it'll take a few days to get there."

"Dammit Jim, I'm not sure if he has that long! Obviously my doctorate specialty isn't Vulcan sex, but even I can tell that this could be serious. You need to make him come down here; at the very least I'd feel better if we had him in sick bay."

Suddenly, Jim felt slightly shaky. God. Spock could _die. _And this time there didn't seem to be much he could do about it- …Bones was looking at him a bit strangely.

_Snap out of it, Kirk. _He pulled himself into Captain Mode, and nodded. "I'll tell him to come down to sick bay." He started to leave, but was cut off by his best friend. Who was still looking rather red. Hmm.

"Jim, you _have… _done it, too, right? Talked to the hobgoblin, I mean? Let him know you're… uh, there?"

Now it was Jim's turn to blush furiously. _Why was he blushing?! _He'd never even considered Spock like that before, but now that he did… No, it was impossible. "Of course not, Bones." They'd just managed to get to friends. A friendship that Jim felt could maybe grow into something amazing. Jim was pretty happy with that, considering where they'd started off. He wasn't going to be the douche that tried to ruin that friendship because he couldn't keep it in his pants. Because contrary to popular belief, keeping it in his pants _was _a skill that he possessed! (Y'know. Most of the time.)

Bones turned his fullest glare on Jim. "You're doing this, Jim." When Jim opened his mouth to protest, Bones silenced him with an icy look. "Scotty did it. Apparently Keenser was planning on it. I'm pretty sure Chapel did it. Nyota did it, even though it was probably embarrassing as hell. Sulu did it. Chekov_ – _the _minor – _did it. I, Leonard I-hate-hobgoblins McCoy, did it. You. Have. No. _Choice."_

"But I-"

"No buts. Go offer to make sweet love to your Vulcan first officer _now._ Now, Jim."

Chekov was definitely grinning. Damn him.

As much as Jim wanted to protest, he had to admit Bones had a point. It would kind of make him look like the world's worst hypocrite if he didn't do this, considering he'd fully encouraged everyone else to. He just hoped Spock would be able forgive him when they got through this. (Because it was a 'when', not an 'if'.)

Taking a deep breath, he muttered "Fine," and strode out of sick bay much more purposefully than he felt. If he had looked back, he would've seen Chekov's wide eyes and grin wondering how much Sulu would be willing to bet that Jim would be successful. He also would've been graced with Bones' lovely glower.

…Jim was lucky he didn't look back.

* * *

"Captain," Spock said stiffly upon opening the door to his quarters once more. He was looking much more openly tense than usual, Jim noted. It probably had something to do with the herds of crew members who had of late been throwing themselves at him; a group that Jim himself was about to join. _The more the merrier, I guess, _Jim thought to himself, feeling slightly hysterical.

"I request that you leave. In my current state, I cannot carry out an adequate conversation."

Jim blinked. "You don't have to, Spock." Then it was Spock's turn to blink.

"Look, Spock, I…" If this was a little awkward for Jim, he could only imagine how awkward Bones had been feeling. That gave him strength. Nothing like some 'Bones had it way worse' to brighten up your day.

Jim started over again. "As you know, we're on course for New Vulcan. But seeing as we won't be there for a few days… Well, we all care about you a lot, Spock. I know I speak for everyone – including myself – when I say that we'd do anything we can to help you be okay." Spock was still just _looking _at him. It was slightly unnerving. Jim took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._ "So… if there's anything that I can do for you, just tell me. I'm here for you." He felt himself blushing again. Dammit, this was unbecoming for a Starfleet captain.

Was it just Jim's imagination, or for a split second did Spock flush green a little at that? Nope, definitely his imagination. Spock went stiffer than Jim had ever seen him – which is to say, pretty stiff. He was stiffer than a board from a family of stiff boards. …okay, that had made no sense.

Spock's eyes looked him over. Was he _checking him out? _No. No way. He couldn't be. Spock's jaw clenched.

"While your gesture is… kind, captain, I will wait until we reach New Vulcan." Ouch. Spock was bringing 'tense' to a whole new level. Jim felt a weird wave of rejection wash over him. _I can join the club. Literally, we probably have enough people to start one now._

"If that is all, captain, I ask that you-"

"No, Mr. Spock, that is not all," Jim said firmly. He was rewarded by an eyebrow raise from his first officer. "You're not yourself, and need to go to sick bay. I _will_ make that an order if I have to."

Jim didn't know what he was expecting. Protest? Logic? Spock to suddenly start simultaneously throwing him across the room and making out with him? (Whoa, where had that last one come from?! Bad mind.) He didn't know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't for Spock to nod once and basically do the Vulcan equivalent of _running _from the room. Spock didn't need to be told twice.

Something was clearly very wrong with his first officer.

…_I guess he was really eager to get to sick bay? Or maybe he just wanted out of his quarters._

With a start, Jim realized it was time for his next shift to start. He'd been so busy pondering Spock's strange behavior that he'd been standing in the Vulcan's room for who-knows-how-long. He wandered to the bridge and sat down in the captain's chair (the best chair ever) in a bit of a daze, mind clouded with thoughts of Spock.

It was actually sort of funny looking around the bridge and realizing that literally every person in attendance had approached Spock at some point today to ask if he 'needed anything'. _Well_, Jim thought dryly, _if we're sluts, then at least we're in company that can't judge us._

Exactly twenty three minutes and four seconds in to alpha shift (as his first officer would later tell him), the turbolift opened to reveal Spock.

Everyone turned to look at him, surprised. Jim opened his mouth to say something, but he had no idea what. Spock was staring at him. As in _boring his eyes into his soul_. Even for someone who was used to have people looking at him, it made Jim vaguely uncomfortable.

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch out painfully into eternity. Then Spock crossed the space between them to the captain's chair, literally _grabbed _him, and dragged him out of the bridge. Maybe Jim was in shock or something, because no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't open his mouth to ask the Vulcan what the hell was going on. Spock had pulled him all the way down the turbolift and through an empty walkway before Jim finally managed to find his voice.

"Spock, what did I-" His voice caught in his throat. Spock was looking at him very strangely. And it was almost… sexy?

When the Vulcan spoke, his voice came out oddly breathless sounding. "I believe I will take you up on your offer now, captain."

…Bones asked and asked, but Jim never told him what happened next. Some things are just better left between a captain and his first officer.

* * *

**A/N: So. Yeah. Crack. XD I hope you had fun reading it, because I definitely had fun writing it. Review and tell me your thoughts! :D It would make my day~**


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